Tension

I feel like the string of a bow, pulled back to full extension. I expect much of myself and I let myself down frequently. I worry about failing my own expectations, failing at being joyful or truly loving. So the string is pulled tighter.

I feel freedom when I'm in a good place, but I inevitably decline into a selfish, anxious state. Then again, I have a feeling that a lot of those moments when I think I have failed are falsely constructed in my fleeting, butterfly thoughts. How do I distinguish if my attitudes, actions, motives, and ultimately my life is going in a beneficial direction? How do I know if I'm deceiving myself?

It is impossible to rest in this mental tension.

Sometimes I equate my level of excitement to a degree of importance far higher than should be the case. Somehow, when I am sad or even just feeling tired and quiet, I feel bad about myself--like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not being who I should be. Like the world will look at me and shake its head and not understand my silence. I'll be labeled in a way I don't want--I may even be less loved. I want release from the tension of these deceptive thoughts.

And so I love those moments of freedom, when the arrow finally springs from the bow. Whether the arrow hits my intended target or not, I am content, I am confident. 

May the tension dissolve . . . help me, God to understand when my expectations are faulty and to fully enjoy being me, in the joy, in the sorrow, in the loud, in the quiet, in the weird and hilarious, in the solemn and serious.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

- Galatians 5:1