A Bipolar Relationship

[[[[ There are so many things I want to write about right now that I feel my heart wanting to burst open and spill out pages and pages of words on very different topics. In fact, even as I write this, what I was going to talk about I think I will save for a later date. I'm feeling a little ADD currently (can I use that as an excuse not to do homework? I think so.) 

I don't know what it is about God, but sometimes He just hits me with all these realities and instead of being spoon-fed I realize He is laying out a feast of ideas for me to delve into. I love thinking deeply about things. In fact, writing in this blog has become one of my favorite things to do--to discover what God wants to say to me and to record what I learn. ]]]]

"The problem with people is that we either let our emotions run our lives, or we cast them as villains and beat them into submission until they’re unrecognizable. We become over-emotional or anti-emotional, missing out on what God has for us through our feelings." - Fabienne Harford

So, let's hone into what I feel is one of hundreds of thoughts zipping around my head. . . you know, I'm pretty excited about God right now. I'm excited about what He is doing, the possibilities, the opportunities, the church I am attending here at school, etc. At other times I feel as if God is a universe away from me, that He may not even exist, that I'm following a lie, that I'll never make progress in areas I struggle with, that I might as well be dead for all the pain in the world that I'm helpless to amend. In fact, in the same day I can be wildly passionate and giddy about what God is doing and how awesome He is and then later on feel heavy discouragement snuggle into my thoughts, making a home in my doubts and fears. 

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS BIPOLAR!

How's that for being obnoxious? Just thought I'd get that out there. Don't worry. I'm not clinically diagnosed with bipolar syndrome. However! I want to boast in this spiritual weakness of mine, this being prone to deep emotion and swings of mindset that I don't understand. 

Why??? 

Because God teaches me so much through these strange ebbs and flows. He teaches me His faithfulness constant through what my senses perceive (or don't perceive.) He shows me how to pursue Him in every minuscule or seasonal feeling of either content or discontent. Music and writing stem from this confusion, either nudging me on the path of Truth or leading me to a deeper understanding of why I feel a certain way.

God isn't afraid of my emotions. So why should I fear them?

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The Weight of Waiting

Tonight I went to see a play called "Waiting for Godot" with my parents at Taylor. It was intensely frustrating. The main characters were waiting for this elusive savior who, even by the end of the play, didn't come. I left halfway through, but not because of the acting, which was tremendous. I left partly because the story was abstract and a little strange. But mostly I left because it resonated with me too deeply. I didn't want to see the end where who they waited for didn't come. In the end, so I hear, the main character still has hope that Godot will eventually appear. But the uncertainty reminded me of my doubts. My confusion of why God doesn't throw the pain of this world into the vacuum of nonexistence. My occasional fear that in the end, God will not show up.

Secret salvations. This must be the answer, cry the most desperate parts of me, the parts that remember the great sorrows of this world and are dismayed. There have been painful circumstances in my life, which ultimately produced something good within me or within others. I've talked about this before. Looking back, I would never choose to re-live these moments, despite the blessings I received through the struggle (aka, Ireland. Yeah, still wouldn't go back to the bad moments.) If I could take away all the pain in the history of this earth, I probably would do it. In consequence, I would doom us all to hell.

For if Jesus didn't die (this greatest act of injustice and pain) than life is worth nothing. If Jesus didn't rise from the dead, my life is, still, nothing. Would I seriously willingly choose to reverse all pain, thereby erasing Jesus' sacrifice and my eternal redemption? Death and life must occur, in that order. Pain is in the mix too. Pain isn't meaningless. Pain provides "secret salvations." In the most terrible disasters I can think of, God is slowly pouring His eternal love into heartache, like salt in a wound. It hurts, but it heals. The salt of His love renovates our hearts to holy places they would never have reached without the pain. Would I choose it for myself? Heck no.

The path to still waters is rougher than I thought.

Can I withstand the weight of waiting?

Make Good Choices!

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

 - Isaiah 55:1-2

Imagine, for a moment, that you have the ability to eat anything you want at every meal for the rest of your life. This is at no cost to you. You never have to make it for yourself. There are no limitations, no food shortages. Every food item is at its prime--perfection. The corn is the sweetest you have ever had, the steak is cooked to your precise request, the fried potatoes are crispy, but not burnt. Not only this, but there are no bad effects of eating. Cupcakes grant you energy, but not fat. You don't even have to acknowledge calories or cholesterol.

Now imagine that you had to make a decision:
A) Follow the above plan (free and only beneficial, with no exceptions)
B) Eat like you have been since you were born--with all the lovely, unhealthy effects of gluttony or taking in too much sugar. Meal by meal, the food can be fantastic, mediocre, or downright awful. Often you don't have the freedom to eat what you really want.

If you wouldn't choose A, you CRAZY. You be failin' this pop quiz, yo. Obviously, this is a no-brainer. But translate this example to what we feed our soul. How often do we choose lesser gods (check out this video) when it should be obvious that we would be much more free and satisfied if we are feeding our soul with God's truth? Very often, I think...