The Weight of Waiting

Tonight I went to see a play called "Waiting for Godot" with my parents at Taylor. It was intensely frustrating. The main characters were waiting for this elusive savior who, even by the end of the play, didn't come. I left halfway through, but not because of the acting, which was tremendous. I left partly because the story was abstract and a little strange. But mostly I left because it resonated with me too deeply. I didn't want to see the end where who they waited for didn't come. In the end, so I hear, the main character still has hope that Godot will eventually appear. But the uncertainty reminded me of my doubts. My confusion of why God doesn't throw the pain of this world into the vacuum of nonexistence. My occasional fear that in the end, God will not show up.

Secret salvations. This must be the answer, cry the most desperate parts of me, the parts that remember the great sorrows of this world and are dismayed. There have been painful circumstances in my life, which ultimately produced something good within me or within others. I've talked about this before. Looking back, I would never choose to re-live these moments, despite the blessings I received through the struggle (aka, Ireland. Yeah, still wouldn't go back to the bad moments.) If I could take away all the pain in the history of this earth, I probably would do it. In consequence, I would doom us all to hell.

For if Jesus didn't die (this greatest act of injustice and pain) than life is worth nothing. If Jesus didn't rise from the dead, my life is, still, nothing. Would I seriously willingly choose to reverse all pain, thereby erasing Jesus' sacrifice and my eternal redemption? Death and life must occur, in that order. Pain is in the mix too. Pain isn't meaningless. Pain provides "secret salvations." In the most terrible disasters I can think of, God is slowly pouring His eternal love into heartache, like salt in a wound. It hurts, but it heals. The salt of His love renovates our hearts to holy places they would never have reached without the pain. Would I choose it for myself? Heck no.

The path to still waters is rougher than I thought.

Can I withstand the weight of waiting?

Make Good Choices!

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

 - Isaiah 55:1-2

Imagine, for a moment, that you have the ability to eat anything you want at every meal for the rest of your life. This is at no cost to you. You never have to make it for yourself. There are no limitations, no food shortages. Every food item is at its prime--perfection. The corn is the sweetest you have ever had, the steak is cooked to your precise request, the fried potatoes are crispy, but not burnt. Not only this, but there are no bad effects of eating. Cupcakes grant you energy, but not fat. You don't even have to acknowledge calories or cholesterol.

Now imagine that you had to make a decision:
A) Follow the above plan (free and only beneficial, with no exceptions)
B) Eat like you have been since you were born--with all the lovely, unhealthy effects of gluttony or taking in too much sugar. Meal by meal, the food can be fantastic, mediocre, or downright awful. Often you don't have the freedom to eat what you really want.

If you wouldn't choose A, you CRAZY. You be failin' this pop quiz, yo. Obviously, this is a no-brainer. But translate this example to what we feed our soul. How often do we choose lesser gods (check out this video) when it should be obvious that we would be much more free and satisfied if we are feeding our soul with God's truth? Very often, I think...

Tension

I feel like the string of a bow, pulled back to full extension. I expect much of myself and I let myself down frequently. I worry about failing my own expectations, failing at being joyful or truly loving. So the string is pulled tighter.

I feel freedom when I'm in a good place, but I inevitably decline into a selfish, anxious state. Then again, I have a feeling that a lot of those moments when I think I have failed are falsely constructed in my fleeting, butterfly thoughts. How do I distinguish if my attitudes, actions, motives, and ultimately my life is going in a beneficial direction? How do I know if I'm deceiving myself?

It is impossible to rest in this mental tension.

Sometimes I equate my level of excitement to a degree of importance far higher than should be the case. Somehow, when I am sad or even just feeling tired and quiet, I feel bad about myself--like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not being who I should be. Like the world will look at me and shake its head and not understand my silence. I'll be labeled in a way I don't want--I may even be less loved. I want release from the tension of these deceptive thoughts.

And so I love those moments of freedom, when the arrow finally springs from the bow. Whether the arrow hits my intended target or not, I am content, I am confident. 

May the tension dissolve . . . help me, God to understand when my expectations are faulty and to fully enjoy being me, in the joy, in the sorrow, in the loud, in the quiet, in the weird and hilarious, in the solemn and serious.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

- Galatians 5:1

Incorruptible

¹⁶ For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. ¹⁷ And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. ¹⁹ If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.

-1 Corinthians 15:16-19

I was thinking today. Yeah, I know--dangerous stuff. No, but really. I was thinking about a lot of things--dangerous topics for me, but I refused to rebuke them. I thought (in general, not specific instances) about what might happen, what  probably will happen, and what most certainly will happen to me/friends/family in the span of however many years I live. Guess what? I got worried. I got sad. I got feeling like life is too hard for me to handle. Knowing that my thoughts would take me to this point, I felt ridiculously predictable.

At times I feel hopeless, and I say I have no hope. There's proof enough on this blog, for crying out loud. The topic of hope probably takes up more than half my posts on here. The lie could not be more obvious. I don't even know what hopelessness looks like. I, who grew up with a strong Christian family, came to Christ at a young age, and have been discipled all my life do not understand real hopelessness. I have always known, if not fully believed, that there is a God who created humankind, who saved me from the consequences of rebellion, and who, as Father, Shepherd, and King, leads me through this tragic comedy of life. I have never lost someone who did not know Christ and is therefore eternally condemned (which I'm sure is a truly hopeless feeling.) Hopelessness takes many forms and corrupts many hearts, but the Holy Spirit has strengthened me (and all my brothers and sisters in Christ) with incorruptible hope.

This means that unless I completely abandon my faith forever (most likely proving I was never really a Christian) I am secure in Christ's death and resurrection. I am secure, thank the Lord! I must remember this truth:

Christ's work is the only security I can't steal from myself.

I do not have the power to "un-resurrect" Christ. Therefore, as Paul claims, no one can take away my hope.

So what is true hopelessness? True hopelessness, simply put, is not knowing God and the power of Christ's resurrection. Let's enter the life of a hopeless individual.

 Life is a short thrill ride that ends with a derailed track. The goal is to seek as much pleasure as possible and help improve the lives of succeeding generations. Friends hurt--there is nothing to see there but pain. Maybe you can provide them with a little comfort. Family dies. You'll never see them again. Maybe you get in a car accident and are paralyzed from the neck down. Well, you might as well kill yourself now, seeing as you're no longer helping society or gaining pleasure for yourself. You have no intrinsic worth--you must prove yourself to be worthy. There is no perfect love, no God that understands or saves you from this helpless state of being.

What's left when you die? A decomposing body packed under layers of dirt, and if you're very lucky, the memory of you and your work that will last among the living for centuries. Even so you will slowly dwindle into the realm of the forgotten. And guess what? You get the biggest and most terrible surprise of all. You were wrong all along thinking faith in God was stupid, and here you are suffering eternal torment. There truly is no hope for you anymore.

When I compare my times of "hopelessness" to a legitimate hopeless case such as the fictional account above, I begin to realize . . . I have never been hopeless . . . nor will I ever be. I don't need to fight for hope. Hope fights for me.

Blessings Abound!

In John 21, Jesus reveals Himself in His resurrected state to some of the disciples (not for the first time)  who are on a fishing expedition.

V4: Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

This verse reminds me of how often I do not recognize God's work in my life. Rarely can I sense His presence. It is hard to know, to know for sure that it is He who is standing at the shore, calling out to me, and not my own wishful thoughts reflecting back to me from across a sea of mystery. Does my mustard seed of faith prove me a fool?

V5: He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?" 
      "No," they answered.

Jesus hops right in and starts a conversation with the disciples. I imagine the disciples are annoyed--wondering why this man cares about their fishing success? They're probably feeling whiney and embittered considering they've stayed up all night and haven't caught a thing. "Why is he talking to us?" I imagine Thomas whining to his neighbor in the boat, a yawn interrupting his speech.

Little do the disciples know that Jesus is setting up their hearts for another blessing.

As if He hasn't proved His love already!

But the acts of Christ are not exclusively about proving God's greatness . . . Christ loves purely out of who He is--the lifeblood and root of all love. God IS love (1 John 4:8.)

It's comforting to know that the trait I value most in this life (love) is the very definition of who God is.

Considering that the disciples don't recognize that Jesus is the one speaking to them, it is a wonder that they follow His advice to cast the net on the right side of the boat. Maybe they figure that they have nothing to lose. Maybe the disciples are so tired that they barely know what they are doing as they move the sad, empty net to the other side. Maybe they just want to get rid of "this guy" watching them on the shore, as if He knows them.

Well . . . He does know them.

Only when the net suddenly ensnares a multitude of fish (AKA when a miracle happens) do the disciples finally get it. The disciples could have attributed the sudden success to anything, but they had been around Christ too much to expect anything less than a glorious blessing from their great Shepherd Savior.

Similarly, I can attribute blessings in my life to my successes, to my rights, to the care of others . . . but ultimately, it is God who is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:28.) Why am I uncomfortable recognizing God brings every little blessing in my path?

I want to be so in tune with the nature of God's love that I have unshakeable confidence of His involvement in every single moment of my day.

Look what Peter does the moment he realizes Jesus is standing on the shore!

V7: Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.

 I want to be that radical. I want to break the norms of what is acceptable and be appropriately enthusiastic of my God who gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives and gives and gives.

I think you get the point.

Prisoner of Hope

Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope;
    even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.

- Zechariah 9:12 

Let's talk about slavery, shall we? No, I'm not going to plea for activism again. Let's talk about the average American Christian Joe or Jill. That's me and you. Oversimplification? Um, yes. Bear with me. 

We are all slaves/prisoners of something. I'm sure you've heard this before. As Christians, we were slaves of sin but now are slaves of Christ (Romans 6:22.) This is final. Nothing and no one can change this fact.

However, there is a more specific imprisonment that involves a daily exercise of the will.

Will I chain myself to fear or to hope?

Yes, it is I who imprison myself to either option. Since I am set free by Christ's death and resurrection, I am empowered.

 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power,love and self-discipline.

-2 Timothy 1:7 

Forces are strong against me.

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sinat work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature^[d] a slave to the law of sin.

- Romans 7:21-25

A daily battle. 

I have been learning to pray not only for wisdom but also the courage to carry out that wisdom. 

That includes battling my fears. That includes battling the fear of my fears. That includes humility and vulnerability.

Today, I choose to chain myself to hope instead of fear. Circumstances will sway me. But instead of chaining myself to fear, being absolutely positive of its return and condemning myself for it, I choose to be a prisoner of hope. That means centering in on meaning, beauty, and perfection found only in Christ.

I want to be so held captive by hope that it overwhelms me. 

All else may fail. Even best friends and family are guaranteed to let me down at some point. I will let you down, I'm sure of it, even though I never want to. 

It's a daily mindset struggle. 

But I have a key around my neck and the Spirit of God within me to remind me that I always, always, always have the key to hope. 

Help me choose to be a prisoner of hope, my God. Day by day by uncertain, glorious day.

Taylor University, get ready to welcome a prisoner into your midst! :D

Sidenote: I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT JUNIOR YEAR!!!!

Okay. End. :) 

Help!

I've tried to start this post several times, but the written word fails to provide the urgency I would like to convey. I think it is fairly safe to say that the greatest humanitarian crisis of the past several decades is the nightmare communist state of North Korea. I wanted to write about the striking comparisons between the hugely popular Hunger Games dystopian novels/movies and the North Korean crisis, but apparently someone else has also noticed the similarities. It's a great short article that I encourage you to read if you have time.

I myself am an unashamed fan of The Hunger Games novels/movie. The testament of Katniss's (lead protagonist) selflessness, courage, and loyalty in the midst of atrocities is inspiring. But there are real people like Katniss in North Korea whose government abuses them. There are also people in North Korea who do not know the concept of love or friendship. It's survival mode in many starved areas where the government turns a blind eye. Prison camps that hold thousandsare ridiculously evil. Think Nazi cruelty, except this has gone on for decades. Propaganda is rich with lies and layered with threats. Freedom of religion and speech are foreign concepts to a NK citizen. Freedom of any sort is a contorted, hazy dream.

But hope is there too, and it is determined to win. North Koreans are, more and more, able to access entertainment and information from the outside world via jump drives. People are beginning to receive new ideas about the outside world. Even with no access to internet, limited access to radio and television and a constant watchful eye from their "Dear Leader." And there is more to get excited about! A non-profit called LINK (liberty in North Korea) dedicates their work to rescuing and resettling NK refugees and making the North Korean plight known all over the world. Click here for just one rescue story.

Please consider contributing to this life-saving effort through LINK on my fundraising page! Any small, one-time donation will help. Consider it as a birthday present or just an opportunity, but don't be guilt-tripped into this. Helping North Korean's is one of my passions, and I realize that people may have different passions to which they are contributing. I'd also appreciate some FB advertising, if you have it. I currently do not have Facebook, but I know it is a good platform for this kind of thing. So if you want to put this link in your status update with a quick blurb, by all means feel free! www.stayclassy.org/happybirthday