Tension

I feel like the string of a bow, pulled back to full extension. I expect much of myself and I let myself down frequently. I worry about failing my own expectations, failing at being joyful or truly loving. So the string is pulled tighter.

I feel freedom when I'm in a good place, but I inevitably decline into a selfish, anxious state. Then again, I have a feeling that a lot of those moments when I think I have failed are falsely constructed in my fleeting, butterfly thoughts. How do I distinguish if my attitudes, actions, motives, and ultimately my life is going in a beneficial direction? How do I know if I'm deceiving myself?

It is impossible to rest in this mental tension.

Sometimes I equate my level of excitement to a degree of importance far higher than should be the case. Somehow, when I am sad or even just feeling tired and quiet, I feel bad about myself--like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not being who I should be. Like the world will look at me and shake its head and not understand my silence. I'll be labeled in a way I don't want--I may even be less loved. I want release from the tension of these deceptive thoughts.

And so I love those moments of freedom, when the arrow finally springs from the bow. Whether the arrow hits my intended target or not, I am content, I am confident. 

May the tension dissolve . . . help me, God to understand when my expectations are faulty and to fully enjoy being me, in the joy, in the sorrow, in the loud, in the quiet, in the weird and hilarious, in the solemn and serious.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

- Galatians 5:1

Incorruptible

¹⁶ For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. ¹⁷ And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. ¹⁹ If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.

-1 Corinthians 15:16-19

I was thinking today. Yeah, I know--dangerous stuff. No, but really. I was thinking about a lot of things--dangerous topics for me, but I refused to rebuke them. I thought (in general, not specific instances) about what might happen, what  probably will happen, and what most certainly will happen to me/friends/family in the span of however many years I live. Guess what? I got worried. I got sad. I got feeling like life is too hard for me to handle. Knowing that my thoughts would take me to this point, I felt ridiculously predictable.

At times I feel hopeless, and I say I have no hope. There's proof enough on this blog, for crying out loud. The topic of hope probably takes up more than half my posts on here. The lie could not be more obvious. I don't even know what hopelessness looks like. I, who grew up with a strong Christian family, came to Christ at a young age, and have been discipled all my life do not understand real hopelessness. I have always known, if not fully believed, that there is a God who created humankind, who saved me from the consequences of rebellion, and who, as Father, Shepherd, and King, leads me through this tragic comedy of life. I have never lost someone who did not know Christ and is therefore eternally condemned (which I'm sure is a truly hopeless feeling.) Hopelessness takes many forms and corrupts many hearts, but the Holy Spirit has strengthened me (and all my brothers and sisters in Christ) with incorruptible hope.

This means that unless I completely abandon my faith forever (most likely proving I was never really a Christian) I am secure in Christ's death and resurrection. I am secure, thank the Lord! I must remember this truth:

Christ's work is the only security I can't steal from myself.

I do not have the power to "un-resurrect" Christ. Therefore, as Paul claims, no one can take away my hope.

So what is true hopelessness? True hopelessness, simply put, is not knowing God and the power of Christ's resurrection. Let's enter the life of a hopeless individual.

 Life is a short thrill ride that ends with a derailed track. The goal is to seek as much pleasure as possible and help improve the lives of succeeding generations. Friends hurt--there is nothing to see there but pain. Maybe you can provide them with a little comfort. Family dies. You'll never see them again. Maybe you get in a car accident and are paralyzed from the neck down. Well, you might as well kill yourself now, seeing as you're no longer helping society or gaining pleasure for yourself. You have no intrinsic worth--you must prove yourself to be worthy. There is no perfect love, no God that understands or saves you from this helpless state of being.

What's left when you die? A decomposing body packed under layers of dirt, and if you're very lucky, the memory of you and your work that will last among the living for centuries. Even so you will slowly dwindle into the realm of the forgotten. And guess what? You get the biggest and most terrible surprise of all. You were wrong all along thinking faith in God was stupid, and here you are suffering eternal torment. There truly is no hope for you anymore.

When I compare my times of "hopelessness" to a legitimate hopeless case such as the fictional account above, I begin to realize . . . I have never been hopeless . . . nor will I ever be. I don't need to fight for hope. Hope fights for me.

Blessings Abound!

In John 21, Jesus reveals Himself in His resurrected state to some of the disciples (not for the first time)  who are on a fishing expedition.

V4: Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.

This verse reminds me of how often I do not recognize God's work in my life. Rarely can I sense His presence. It is hard to know, to know for sure that it is He who is standing at the shore, calling out to me, and not my own wishful thoughts reflecting back to me from across a sea of mystery. Does my mustard seed of faith prove me a fool?

V5: He called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?" 
      "No," they answered.

Jesus hops right in and starts a conversation with the disciples. I imagine the disciples are annoyed--wondering why this man cares about their fishing success? They're probably feeling whiney and embittered considering they've stayed up all night and haven't caught a thing. "Why is he talking to us?" I imagine Thomas whining to his neighbor in the boat, a yawn interrupting his speech.

Little do the disciples know that Jesus is setting up their hearts for another blessing.

As if He hasn't proved His love already!

But the acts of Christ are not exclusively about proving God's greatness . . . Christ loves purely out of who He is--the lifeblood and root of all love. God IS love (1 John 4:8.)

It's comforting to know that the trait I value most in this life (love) is the very definition of who God is.

Considering that the disciples don't recognize that Jesus is the one speaking to them, it is a wonder that they follow His advice to cast the net on the right side of the boat. Maybe they figure that they have nothing to lose. Maybe the disciples are so tired that they barely know what they are doing as they move the sad, empty net to the other side. Maybe they just want to get rid of "this guy" watching them on the shore, as if He knows them.

Well . . . He does know them.

Only when the net suddenly ensnares a multitude of fish (AKA when a miracle happens) do the disciples finally get it. The disciples could have attributed the sudden success to anything, but they had been around Christ too much to expect anything less than a glorious blessing from their great Shepherd Savior.

Similarly, I can attribute blessings in my life to my successes, to my rights, to the care of others . . . but ultimately, it is God who is working all things together for my good (Romans 8:28.) Why am I uncomfortable recognizing God brings every little blessing in my path?

I want to be so in tune with the nature of God's love that I have unshakeable confidence of His involvement in every single moment of my day.

Look what Peter does the moment he realizes Jesus is standing on the shore!

V7: Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.

 I want to be that radical. I want to break the norms of what is acceptable and be appropriately enthusiastic of my God who gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives gives and gives and gives and gives and gives and gives.

I think you get the point.

Prisoner of Hope

Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope;
    even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.

- Zechariah 9:12 

Let's talk about slavery, shall we? No, I'm not going to plea for activism again. Let's talk about the average American Christian Joe or Jill. That's me and you. Oversimplification? Um, yes. Bear with me. 

We are all slaves/prisoners of something. I'm sure you've heard this before. As Christians, we were slaves of sin but now are slaves of Christ (Romans 6:22.) This is final. Nothing and no one can change this fact.

However, there is a more specific imprisonment that involves a daily exercise of the will.

Will I chain myself to fear or to hope?

Yes, it is I who imprison myself to either option. Since I am set free by Christ's death and resurrection, I am empowered.

 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power,love and self-discipline.

-2 Timothy 1:7 

Forces are strong against me.

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sinat work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature^[d] a slave to the law of sin.

- Romans 7:21-25

A daily battle. 

I have been learning to pray not only for wisdom but also the courage to carry out that wisdom. 

That includes battling my fears. That includes battling the fear of my fears. That includes humility and vulnerability.

Today, I choose to chain myself to hope instead of fear. Circumstances will sway me. But instead of chaining myself to fear, being absolutely positive of its return and condemning myself for it, I choose to be a prisoner of hope. That means centering in on meaning, beauty, and perfection found only in Christ.

I want to be so held captive by hope that it overwhelms me. 

All else may fail. Even best friends and family are guaranteed to let me down at some point. I will let you down, I'm sure of it, even though I never want to. 

It's a daily mindset struggle. 

But I have a key around my neck and the Spirit of God within me to remind me that I always, always, always have the key to hope. 

Help me choose to be a prisoner of hope, my God. Day by day by uncertain, glorious day.

Taylor University, get ready to welcome a prisoner into your midst! :D

Sidenote: I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT JUNIOR YEAR!!!!

Okay. End. :) 

Help!

I've tried to start this post several times, but the written word fails to provide the urgency I would like to convey. I think it is fairly safe to say that the greatest humanitarian crisis of the past several decades is the nightmare communist state of North Korea. I wanted to write about the striking comparisons between the hugely popular Hunger Games dystopian novels/movies and the North Korean crisis, but apparently someone else has also noticed the similarities. It's a great short article that I encourage you to read if you have time.

I myself am an unashamed fan of The Hunger Games novels/movie. The testament of Katniss's (lead protagonist) selflessness, courage, and loyalty in the midst of atrocities is inspiring. But there are real people like Katniss in North Korea whose government abuses them. There are also people in North Korea who do not know the concept of love or friendship. It's survival mode in many starved areas where the government turns a blind eye. Prison camps that hold thousandsare ridiculously evil. Think Nazi cruelty, except this has gone on for decades. Propaganda is rich with lies and layered with threats. Freedom of religion and speech are foreign concepts to a NK citizen. Freedom of any sort is a contorted, hazy dream.

But hope is there too, and it is determined to win. North Koreans are, more and more, able to access entertainment and information from the outside world via jump drives. People are beginning to receive new ideas about the outside world. Even with no access to internet, limited access to radio and television and a constant watchful eye from their "Dear Leader." And there is more to get excited about! A non-profit called LINK (liberty in North Korea) dedicates their work to rescuing and resettling NK refugees and making the North Korean plight known all over the world. Click here for just one rescue story.

Please consider contributing to this life-saving effort through LINK on my fundraising page! Any small, one-time donation will help. Consider it as a birthday present or just an opportunity, but don't be guilt-tripped into this. Helping North Korean's is one of my passions, and I realize that people may have different passions to which they are contributing. I'd also appreciate some FB advertising, if you have it. I currently do not have Facebook, but I know it is a good platform for this kind of thing. So if you want to put this link in your status update with a quick blurb, by all means feel free! www.stayclassy.org/happybirthday

Till We Have Faces

Till We Have Faces

a Facebook satire 

Note: this blog post, though it may contain nuggets of truth, is written with loooooots of sarcasm and exaggeration. I thought it would be funny to write something about my summer break from Facebook from the viewpoint as if Facebook was my boyfriend. I used as many Facebook-oriented words as I could, italicizing them. This is not to be taken seriously. ;)

Dear Facebook, 

It's been three months since we broke up. I always knew we would be in a relationship in the end, of course. We just needed time away from each other for a while. So I set up a wall between us. But now the friend management department isn't doing so well. I guess the summer wasn't the best time to split up. Without you, I have to keep up with friends through your emotion-less cousins, Texting and Email. Texting and I are . . .  well . . . let's just say it's complicated. Ya know, a love-hate kind of thing. I know you understand that--you get that a lot. 

I miss you, Facebook . . . how I could browse through profiles you oh-so-conveniently arranged for me anytime I wanted. You definitely saved me a lot of time in keeping up with people, showing me their status updates and photo albums. And you are so empathetic. People fire all their problems at you constantly and you take it all in stride--what a great listener! I'm telling you, you would have made a great psychologist, but no, you had to go major in Business instead. No matter. You still make a lot of money. You'd also be a pretty good tabloid journalist, considering how much gossip and misunderstanding you stir up.  

But let's talk more About Me. Not my hobbies or my activities. Not my workplace or my hometown. Since we separated, I have felt so free in some ways. I guess when stalking tendencies decrease, so do worries! Huh! Who would'a thunk! I've become good friends with your uncle Skype. I know you do business together on Facebook chat, but I like Skype more when he's not "under the influence" (your influence, that is.) Sorry to compare you to drugs and alcohol, but you do get pretty crazy sometimes! Anyway, Skype is a lot more easy to understand without you distracting me, that's for sure. 

You do more than just distract me, though. You don't stand by me when I'm not strong and you won't be my friend when I can't carry on. I take it all back about you being a psychologist! You'd be the absolute worst. I'll give you some credit for listening to my rants, but all you ever do is repeat my own words back to me! It's like I'm talking to myself in a mirror! Then some friends come over with sharpies and write comments all over my mirror (aka my FB profile.) I go through life and the only time those comments are real is when I come back to that mirror and see those words running across my face like temporary tattoos. Some comfort you are. I swear, you could at least CALL ME MAYBE! 

It's alright. I will survive and my heart will go on. I find solace in the way people like my pensive quote, encouraging Bible verse, or hilarious photo I post sometimes. The more my friends like my words and pictures, the more they like me. That's my philosophy. So I tag as many people as I can in as many photos as I can. It can get tiring, but it is sure worth all those likes from friends who may not have looked at my photo album otherwise! 

I have never met anyone as jealous as you are. You expect me to sit with you wandering through my friend's profile when that same friend is physically in the same room. You're a trippy character, Facebook, you know that? The nerve you have, talking about my friends all the time when I could talk to that same person face-to-face if my eyes weren't stuck on you, wuh-oh-wuh-oh stuck like glue!

You and me baby, we're stuck like glue.

See you in the fall,

Lindsey

Disappointment Debunked

"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

~ Aslan in The Horse and His Boy

I suppose I should have expected it, and in a way, I did. Seven days of enacting all the planning and excitement of VBS has plumb wore me out. This was my fourth year directing VBS at my church. God planted the wildly huge idea of VBS in my brain at the ripe age of fifteen. My church is small--like 80-people- in-the-congregation-on-a-good-day small. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with smallness. But we do, as in other areas, desire to grow in this area. Lakeway Community Church has had its share of ups and downs, like every other church. Our Sunday morning kids ministry has been on the downswing for a while now. We have around 3 "regulars" from birth to 5th grade.

The secondary goal of VBS in my mind has always been to attract kids to our scant children's ministry.  You know what? I have not seen that goal realized. Let me tell you--it is disappointing.  We have a widely un-churched region right next door, and our ministry is somehow faltering. This is highly discouraging to someone who has been going to the same church my parents helped start since the year I was born.

But the primary goal of VBS is far more important than the second. This is what energizes me personally. Through VBS, we have the opportunity to share the incredible love of God. We only have a week to cram in all this wonderful truth, but the message remains clear, and, especially this VBS where trusting God has been the primary theme, the Bible points have really hit home. I want our VBS to take kids one step further in their relationship with God, whether it is that very first step or somewhere along the path of fostering a relationship with the Creator and Savior of the universe. I believe that goal was realized, and I praise God for that! And we sure had fun too!!!

Disappointment in efforts is inevitable. From my experience, if you are afraid of disappointment, it most certainly will come. Fear of disappointment does not stop my action-hungry heart, but when it comes, I must make an extreme effort to focus on what matters:

who God is and what He has done in my heart.

That is all that I can ever really know of my "effect" on any person or thing. All the rest is guesswork, because I'm trying to look into other people's stories. Sometimes I get super distracted, trying to act "detective" and play God in deciphering what has worked and what has not, who is pleased and who is disheartened. It doesn't work. It just doesn't. Stop the analyzing. Be still.

The fact is, if I am seeking to follow God, I know He can fill in the gaping holes in my weak, mangled efforts.

We don't all get to see God do something as spectacular as bring long-dead bones back to life (Ezekiel 37.)

This is the battle against disappointment: when what we see doesn't match up with what we believe. Bring these dead bones to life! Stir up some action--visible results please! Yup--that's what I want!

In order to hear and comprehend the mighty roar of the Lion, I must put my hope in my mighty God and not in my own "achievements" or "disappointments." Only then will I find strength to soar on wings like eagles (Isaiah 40:31.) Then I will be able trust God, leaving my fears behind.

Get a peek into our Sky-flying VBS week at LCC by watching this slideshow. :D