A Talk with Time

Half-finished thoughts, partly-uttered prayers, ticking time tearing the universe into finite. I think I have spiritual ADD. As I read my Bible, the mere consideration of time leads me into thinking, there's not enough, there's never enough. What if I never learn to conquer my fears? What if I never attain, like Paul, the ability to be "content in all circumstances"? What if I miss out on something amazing? What if I'm a fraud, trying too hard to be humble, loving, and Christ-honoring and completely missing the point?

I am taking one class this J-term (Ceramics) and it has been wonderful, relaxing, and life-giving to spend time with people, read books I enjoy, play video games, and go on adventures. Yet, I see the oncoming squall of spring semester and stagger. I've had so much time to rest, yet I have never fully rested this J-term because I've been thinking of what little time I have. I need to prepare for my worship leader internship in Mexico this summer. I need to send support letters. I need to brush up on my Spanish. I need to write a script for my Narrative Filmmaking class in the spring. I need inspiration. I need creativity. I need to be closer to God. I need to spend time with people while I still have time. And then, if I don't do any of these things in a given day, I become even more anxious.

Time has consumed me. I have one more semester left at the University I have come to love. What can I possibly do to make next semester great? How can I avoid sinking into a pattern of stress and work?

So many questions. What about you, time? What do you think of my meaningless babble which undoubtedly you have heard trillions of times echoed from all corners of the world?

I, Time, have few words for you. Fewer than you would like. 
It takes time to fall in love. 
It takes time to tell a beautiful story. 
It takes the inevitable cessation of time to distinguish treasures on earth from treasures in heaven. 

Wisdom takes time. 

Everyone seems to think I, Time, take away from people's joy and comfort, but in fact, it is just the opposite. 

Everyone takes away from me. 

Don't pity me. I'm just your imagination talking, after all. 

Just think. Only one human in the history of time has mastered the art of taking from me perfectly, and He was and is also God. So don't beat yourself up about not using me well. 

Time is a gift you will not always have with you. I am here to reveal some crucial lessons, and then you will never need me again. I am the thrill of a high-stakes chase that began the day you were born. 

So just live. 

Do, Be, or Both?

Should I be blogging right now? Probably not. I have a lot of homework to do, as usual. Oh well. In the name of therapy I will write this blog post, because it will make me feel better.

I'm afraid of the constant "doing." I need space and time to be, but I'm not getting it, or I don't make time because I just want to veg. School and the workplace are task-oriented institutions. By task-saturating myself in projects, homework, papers, etc. I'm preparing myself for a task-oriented life, especially being a media major. I was reminded recently that people in media-related jobs often work long hard hours. Ten hours a day is an average day for someone working in production.

Meaningful work is what it's all about. If I'm going to be DOING so much in my life I need to learn how to BE in all the DO. Right now, I find it hard to multitask. Either I DO projects or I BE with people or with God. It's only when I do projects for someone (and that someone doesn't have to be someone else. It can be myself) that I find meaning in them. Doing projects with people is simply not enough. I don't know if this is a personality thing or a fundamental being-human thing, but I need my focus to be on restoration and reconciliation of relationships at all times or I simply do not feel like I am living. When I simply do things, with our without people, I feel like a robot cranking out results instead of a person loving God and others undoubtedly, directly, tangibly. I've got to have a mission and that mission has to be clear and relationship-building. And gosh, it is hard to simultaneously do and be as a film and video production major where the goal is to get projects accomplished to the best of your ability within the constraints that are given.

Half the time in production I am interacting with a computer screen. Fun! But fulfilling? If I am interacting with others as a Producer of a project I am in a stressed and flustered state of mind. I think it bothers me that in producing documentaries or narrative films my goal is to "get something out of"a person or actor rather than "invest in them." Maybe there's a way to do both. There's gotta be. But my flustered self is often focused on the pressure of "I gotta get this done or I'm in trouble" rather than "this is really about you, not about the project." I'm not in my element here. Tasks do that to you. They make you motivated by fear. I HATE FEAR.

This might be the most confusing post I have ever typed. I'm really not sure where I am going with this, but God brought this passage (2 Corinthians 5) to mind so perhaps it is a fit way to end:

¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!  18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

The Lies of Legacy

What will people say of you when you are gone? Will they have been encouraged by the way you lived your life? Did you inspire change or initiate action? Will people look back on the span of your years and say, "That girl/guy knew what it was to live well. He/she had a heart full of compassion and was always pointing me lovingly to Christ."

Surely we have all heard sermons or messages before about the brevity of life and how important it is to leave a legacy of love behind you. We're encouraged to think about what others will say of us when we are dead and to let that motivate us to live right in the ruckus of daily toil, in this one chance we have on this fading, blinking blue dot called earth.

You know what these kind of sermons make me feel like? Freakin' awful. I suck. As I think over all the unloving words and thoughts I have perpetuated today I feel like I'm not making any steps towards sanctification, towards becoming more like Christ in the way I love. I feel stagnant. Is God really holding the reigns?

Anyway, how is being motivated by what others will say of you after death any different than being spurred on by what others will think or say of you now? To me, it all looks the same. It smells like melting gold and prideful thoughts. It feels like breaking your teeth on a stone instead of biting into a slice of warm bread. 

It looks like projecting an image of your ideal self instead of loving yourself just the way Jesus already loves you.

We see the sanctification process as works-based decontamination instead of Holy Spirit-driven restoration.

While it sounds really nice for beautiful things to be said about me at my death, should I even care? Further, why do I desire super-Christian status? Let's break it down. In the Bible, a person can get a chapter starring them, others a verse, and some an entire book, but have you noticed what God chooses to reveal about people who are His children? Most of the time, it is not a biography flowing with milk and honey, with heartwarming compliments and life's spiritual successes. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

God most often highlights our failures to trust Him, our guilt, our selfish, idol-loving behavior and ultimate hopelessness.

For a few examples, check out Samson the Arrogant, Moses the Terrified, Paul the Murderer, Thomas the Doubter, or David the Adulterer-King.

Why does God do this to us? Why doesn't he highlight our heroic actions of faith? Why does He display our most embarrassing qualities to a watching world and expect us to be encouraged? Because His glory lies in our weakness. I don't mean that in the sense that God is some evil giant troll that taunts our smallness and enjoys stepping on us to show his omnipotence. God is not a bully.

Rather, He desires to show us what He can do through the most stubborn and godless of hearts. In our weakness He is made strong. And those parts in our lives where we feel like there's no hope for us, the broken parts, the festering bitter wounds . . . this, God declares, is where God will make all things new. For what unimaginably awesome newness is there to be made of the parts of your life that you've already "got all together"?

Spoiler alert: this story, my life, the accumulation of all of our lives on this earth from the beginning of time into eternity . . .  is about God, not about us. Sorry if you're disappointed. That's the way it is, and more and more, I have come to realize that I wouldn't want it any other way.

So if this story, my story, is about God, I want to boast in my weaknesses (which are many,) because there, miraculously, God gives grace, healing, and power. He shows us our hopelessness to give us hope--because without God we wander like sheep without a shepherd but with God even our demoralizing foolishness is not meaningless because God will work everything out for our good and His glory.

Well, ya know what, if that's the way God works, I want in on it.

So, in case you were thinking of writing a biography about me, I ask only one thing. Don't leave the ugly parts out. Highlight the ugly parts, because it is there that God reveals Himself most clearly.

The Worst Apologist

I had a conversation about faith with a former-youth-pastor-turned-agnostic friend today. I brought it up over eating tacos.  Our conversation was on the tipping point of reaching that controversial subject and I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he believed. 

Turns out, I am the worst apologist in the world. Now, I already knew I'm not the best at verbal communication, but you see, I appealed to a Higher Power. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak through me and here I was expecting to be Moses leading this person out of slavery, or, put less dramatically, at least get him thinking in the right direction. I listened to his own journey and responded with a few points of what I believe. I realized afterwards that some things I said were not quite accurate or didn't come out the way I wanted. What happened to the Holy Spirit giving me the words to say? 

As he talked, I felt my mind lingering on the objections to Christianity that he had and how in the world I would answer them. I had heard many of these objections before and at one point had known how to "give an answer to what I believe" but gosh darn it, I couldn't seem to think straight at all! Maybe it was the chorizo taco, but I felt myself frustrated by having nothing to say but, "Yeah, that makes sense" and "Thank you for sharing." Maybe it's a good start, I thought. I'll be able to come back to those questions he has later, and let him know my own opinion.

How incredibly hard for my prideful mind to be okay with saying "yeah, that makes sense" instead of "well, this is what I think" or "I'll get back to you on that" to statements Christians are uncomfortable with.

I learned today, however much I hate not being able to respond the way I thought I should, that Christians (and humans in general) have a little-appreciated asset to consider in interactions with others. I know that I need to practice it more often, though every fiber of me may object: 

Humility--not the fake, sugar-coated kind, but the true submission of one's fundamental beliefs, rights, and desires and consideration of the beliefs, rights, and desires of another 

The Comfortable Lie

It's quite disarming when my ideas about who God is begin to change. Though God is constant, my imperfections obstruct a clear view of my Savior. Instead of coming to the Scripture with a certain set of long-standing beliefs and translating God's Word based on that, I need to come to God's Word and let it dictate --even re-direct-- my beliefs and actions. 

Instead of translating Scripture with my preconceived, "security blanket" beliefs, I need to allow Scripture to translate me. 


In my experience, I have encountered two kinds of lies, and they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. First are lies based on insecurity. These are the lies that make you hesitant and fearful, the sort that whisper how ugly, unloved, talentless, uninteresting, or unforgivable you are. Second are comfortable lies. These lies are harder to pick up on, because you desperately want to continue believing a lie because it is what you have always believed and this belief has provided you with comfort at some point in your life. Comfortable lies are not obvious. In fact, they take a lot of digging, vulnerability, and questioning to even begin to decipher.

So I welcome you on this journey of deciphering what may be a comfortable lie I have believed all my life. Naturally, I suppose, because the topic is one I always wrestle with, it has to do with God and suffering. 

I've always believed that God has a hand in suffering, meaning that He permits it because we live in a fallen world and He knows He can and will work it all out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28.) I'll call this the reactionary view of God and suffering [[ silly me trying to create my own theological terms ;) ]] God knows what will happen, He permits it, and He reacts in light of the situation to bring about good. 

That sounds pretty good to me, even now. But in light of some sermons I have heard recently, my reactionary view is uncomfortably leaning towards more of a proactive view. By proactive I mean that God doesn't just have a hand in suffering. 

God proactively leads us into hard times for His glory and our present and future good. 

At first, to me, it seems paradoxical and offensive to our Almighty Savior to think He leads us to places of wilderness. But its becoming more obvious to me in reading the Bible that this is often how He acts, and it is said quite clearly. I think I have the potential to get way off-track when I reach a conclusion like this. I start skewing such a statement . . . believing either:

a) God leads us into hard times exclusively for His glory with no regard to us (which gives no personal purpose to pain)

b) God leads us into hard times for our bad (which is a hopelessly vindictive belief)

c) God leads us into hard times for His glory and our heavenly good (which gives no joy for the present)

To think that God, throughout my life has and will BRING suffering TO me . . . it doesn't sit well. But perhaps that's why we are given the testimonies of so many others in the Bible and in our own interactions with people, of incredible blessing and grace in the midst of trial.

Today at church, we talked about Exodus 16. This is the point where God has brought the Israelites out of slavery and into . . . well . . . a literal wilderness. The Israelites are confused and are listening to lies from Satan that tell them it would have been better to have stayed in Egypt than to waste away in the desert.

 In the midst of His people's grumbling, God, who could easily have got fed up with the Israelites' lack of faith, performed a remarkable act of grace. He does NOT guide them out of the wilderness, instead choosing to lead them wandering around the desert for 40 years. It must have been hard in many ways, but for 40 years God graciously rained down bread for the Israelites to eat. It was an instructive time to teach the Israelites how to be truly free. The pastor pointed out that God didn't bring them into the wilderness to create their own ability to sustain, instead HE provides/rains down grace on us. 

Here I have provided a few Bible passages with emphasis where it seems as if God is proactive instead of reactive in regards to suffering. 

Deuteronomy 8:2-5 (The Voice)

² Remember how the Eternal, your True God, led you through the wilderness these past 40 years. He did this to humble you, to test you, to uncover your motivations, to see if you would obey His commands.³ He humbled you by making you hungry when there was no food in the desert. Then He fed you with manna, a food you and your ancestors had never heard of. He did this because He wanted you to understand that what makes you truly alive is not the bread you eat but following every word that comes from the mouth of the Eternal One.^[a] 4 Your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t swell throughout your 40 years of wandering. ⁵ I want you to know in your hearts that the Eternal your God has been training you just as a parent trains a child.

Genesis 50:19 (NIV)

¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 

Esther 4:13-14 (NIV)

¹³ he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. ¹⁴ For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” 

Job 1:21

²¹ and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[a]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

    may the name of the Lord be praised.” 

Matthew 4:1-4

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted^[a] by the devil. ² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’^[b]”

And to what end did these remarkable warriors of God suffer? 

• Joseph to second-in-command of Egypt, able to save thousands from starvation and reconciling family to each other and to God
• Moses and the Israelites to experiencing God's grace over and over and over when they should have received judgment for their idolatrous ways
• Esther to saving her people from massacre
• Job to receive innumerable blessings 
• Jesus to be glorified at the Father's right hand

Hebrews 12:4-14 (The Message)

^4-11 In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? 

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,    but don’t be crushed by it either.It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;    the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. 

^12-13 So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

This is suffering born not out of punishment, nor out of idleness. Here is suffering as instruction that serves a greater purpose. 

Admittedly, I could be very wrong! I may be interpreting Scripture incorrectly. In this case, please feel free to continue a conversation in the comments below, because I would love to hear your input. My hope is that this post will encourage you to further reflection, prayer, and exploration of God's Word. :) I'm still exploring and trying to figure this out myself!

Hope Now

More and more, I am realizing that hope is not limited to the future. It is a grave insult, I believe, to call hope a "future happy fulfillment of half-believed wish." Hope lives in the present, not the future. If hope is a tree its roots lie in the here and now, while its branches stretch towards past and future. Hope has a hand in everything. To say, "we have pain now, but look ahead--it will get better in heaven!" may be true, but it is hardly helpful to the one who is in pain. Sure, it can provide a brief glimpse of happiness but it is almost harmful to point a suffering person to unimaginable events and experiences. Imagination can only go so far, and it is severely limited by a broken heart.

I think one of the most helpful things you can do for a person in pain after a time of deep sorrow is to gently illuminate present goodness. Don't overwhelm with false happiness. Acknowledge grief. Yet point out the laughing child dancing in the street, the multi-colored palette sunset, the patient father teaching his son how to catch a ball. Because here lies concrete reality, a present truth instead of a past or future one. 

Jesus said, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." Sometimes I get the verb tense mixed up in my head and think Jesus was saying I will overcome the world. After all, the evidence seems to suggest there ain't much victory going on in our war-torn world. But our God is a God of hope, and that means He is rooted in the present. He is the Light of the World and this light is our concrete, unshakeable, lovestruck hope. 

Currently I'm reading a book called Here and Now: Living in the Spirit In speaking of a particularly hopeful friend of his, Henri Nouwen says, 

There is nothing sentimental about him. He is a realist, but his deep faith allows him to know that hope is more real than despair, faith more real than distrust, and love more real than fear. It is this spiritual realism that makes him such a joyful man.  

Whenever I meet him, I am tempted to draw his attention to the wars between nations, the starvation among children, the corruption in politics, and the deceit among people, thus trying to impress him with the ultimate brokenness of the human race. But every time I try something like this, he looks at me with his gentle and compassionate eyes and says: 'I saw two children sharing their bread with one another, and I heard a woman say thank you and smile when someone covered her with a blanket. These simple poor people gave me new courage to live my life.'  

My friend's joy is contagious. The more I am with him, the more I catch glimpses of the sun shining through the clouds. Yes, I know there is a sun, even though the skies are covered with clouds. While my friend always spoke about the sun, I kept speaking about the clouds, until one day I realized that it was the sun that allowed me to see the clouds.  

Those who keep speaking about the sun while walking under a cloudy sky are messengers of hope, the true saints of our day.

Mexico Mission Trip

Friends and Family,

First of all, thank you so much for your dedicated prayer and financial support. Without you, I would not have been able to go on this mission trip and I would have missed so much of seeing God at work in a culture I am coming to love more and more. It’s hard to believe that it is over . . . thankfully, God stretched out the time while we were in Mexico. The days felt gloriously long and productive.

There wasn’t necessarily a “typical” day in the week we spent at the Back2Back Ministries group home. We would start each day with breakfast, a scheduled devotional and small group time. How refreshing to start the day right within vulnerable community!

Speaking of community, one of our major prayer requests was for unity within the team and wow—God really came through for us! I have never been in a group with such consistent good attitudes and a commitment to dig deeper with each other and with God. Vulnerability was huge. Through small group and debrief times every night, we encouraged each other in our struggles and rejoiced with each other over the wonderful things that were happening. It is amazing what difference good attitudes can bring to a team’s productivity and joy.

God delighted us with many blessings on our trip. He protected all of us from injury and illness (which is almost unheard of on these Taylor University mission trips it seems!) Through prayer, He healed one of the team of an injury he had dealt with for over a year. God personally comforted me in my anxieties by bringing others around me to encourage and pray for me. If nothing else, my prayer life has changed as a result of this trip. I have been encouraged to pray with boldness, and as I came back to Taylor I realized how much more I am praying with people, not just for them. I am motivated to halt the busyness of life in order to bring concerns to God immediately, joining with friends to lift burdens to Someone who can actually carry them.

Me and Gael!

I interacted with kids from poor communities, a government shelter for abused and neglected children, a girl’s home run by three nuns, and a family all of whom Back2Back partners with. In all of these places, the people I spoke with ministered to me even as I was serving them. The graciousness of Mexican people is truly inspiring. Three teenage guys who volunteer with Back2Back graciously spent their spring break serving and hanging out with us. They touched our team with their generosity and love.

Many kids impacted the hearts of our team. One of my buddies was a boy named Gael, who is about ten years old. He is a sweet boy that greeted me every time we went to his community with a pat on the back, a side hug, and a smile. He’d then ramble a bit in Spanish and I would have no idea what he was saying. Gael really caught on to the songs we taught the kids during our program. He would walk around, singing “Yo tengo gozo, gozo, gozo, gozo en mi corazón” (I’ve got the joy down in my heart) and “Mi Dios es grande, mi Dios es fuerte” (My God is greater, My God is stronger.) Of course, I loved singing these with him. We also played a Memory game several times. I would laughingly call him a “tramposo” (cheater) because he kept peeking under the cards to get the right matches! Silly, silly, silly.

I was overjoyed simply to be around kids (I don’t get to see many at college)! I enjoyed going around to all the kids, learning their names (unfortunately forgetting some of them) and learning a little about them. The program we put on with games, skits, songs, and crafts was always a blast. One team member even taught some girls Irish dancing! The cool thing about loving on these kids was that we knew that they were not going to be abandoned. Back2Back is in continual connection and ministry with them.

Easter Sunday was a unique experience for me. Ask me the full details in person if you want to hear the story, but basically, God gave me the opportunity to share my faith with a person at the market (where we got souvenirs.) I was carrying my Bible and journal around and the market vendor (Victor) asked me what the book was. He showed me his favorite passage: Psalm 91. When I asked if he was a Christian, he kept responding with “I read my Bible.” Well, in the end, God prompted me to give Victor my English study Bible with all my notes and underlined verses. He was super excited and grateful and told me that because I had given him my Bible that he would read the Gospel I was talking about . . .   the book of John. I never expected for God to use me in this straight up evangelism way. I had never done that before, but God surprised me throughout the trip with His faithfulness and blessings.

I could go on and on . . .

My experiences resonate well with the last words of John’s Gospel: “Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.”

Oh how sweet to trust in Jesus.