Graduation

[[All my latest posts have been about change. Sorry about that. What can I say, it's been on my mind a lot lately! ]]

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” - Frederick Beuchner

Perhaps it is finally time to talk about that both dreaded and anticipated word: graduation. I am resistant to change, but I've been through it enough times now to know my God will work out everything for my good, even (dare I say) for the better. Every time I have walked through major change, I have come out on the other side with more, not less. More hope, more joy, more deep relationships, more ability to persevere, more trust in an empathetic Father who will carry me through suffering. And what good I look forward to even now as I literally dream about my summer serving with Back2Back!

My history of transition moments or points of change have been rocky, to put it lightly. I go through stages of anxiety, panic, and depression. Today I worry if I will "be the best me" for everyone these last couple weeks at school. What if I'm not funny enough? What if I graduate visibly depressed instead of focusing on the positive I know is there the way that I want to? What if I don't love well? What if I lose my temper? What if I say the wrong things? Do the wrong things?

I have grown much through my years at Taylor, but clearly my insecurities remain.

Today in Senior Capstone class, a speaker talked to us about how we each have a divine assignment. We went through a bunch of activities and figured out a two-word mission statement for each of us. I was grateful for the way the speaker explained our divine assignments. If you know what you are here for, you have a reason to get up in the morning. In the middle of crazy transitions, your divine assignment can direct you in a way that friends, family, or anywhere else you place your identity cannot.

As a Christian, the core of my identity is that I am a child of God, but I also have a specific purpose that I am uniquely equipped to carry out. It is ingrained inside of me and permeates, motivates everything I do.

I spend my life trying to hold onto so many idols, but I couldn't get away from this divine assignment even if I tried.

According to the two hours I spent doing the activities and meditating on the result, my divine assignment is to initiate compassion. Maybe it's not spot on, but I think that fits me pretty well. This "initiating compassion" is the place where my  deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. And indeed, in much of what I do I love starting, igniting, initiating a movement, an encouragement, a pay-it-forward domino effect of loving people who are hurting. Not necessarily in huge ways, but in the little day-to-day interactions.

The best part is, I can initiate compassion anywhere with anyone. It doesn't have to be at Taylor.

The change will hit me like a train wreck. Maybe it will be in stages (tears have already made a couple appearances.) Maybe it will be on graduation day. Maybe it will be after I come back from Mexico and realize I'm not going back to school in the fall. Taylor University has given me a small taste of heaven. Imperfect and broken and messed up as these people are, there is truly something special here caused by our shared life together in Christ.

I will miss Taylor University.

But there is more good to come. More ways I haven't even begun to imagine of how to initiate compassion to a world in need. Ways that God has wanted me to accomplish initiating compassion in His name since the beginning of time. Ways that I would never, ever experience if I were to stay at Taylor. And that's what I will hold onto, walking out into the "farthest away from home I've ever been."

Singleness and Neverland

Peter Pan: Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again. 

Wendy: Never is an awfully long time. 

A short time ago in a galaxy very very close . . . I thought I was destined for singleness. My reasoning? Well, considering I have never dated before, I am perhaps a little more cynical than some:

1. I don't understand dating relationships.
2. I don't want to understand dating relationships.
3. I can't understand dating relationships.
4. I love my friends. Isn't that enough?
5. Married people love their spouse more than their friends.
6. I don't ever want to get married because I want to love my friends as much as I do now.

Do you see the absurd, faulty logic in the above sequence?
Yes, so do I. Nevertheless, there you have it.

Behind that illogical facade is the truth: I'm scared of being in a relationship and I'm afraid of being single. Let's face it, I'm afraid of growing up. Lately, a different fear haunts me: I equate my intense fear of loneliness with singleness thereby burning myself on a fresh batch of golden brown lies. If all of my friends get married, where does that leave me? How will I find joy in singleness when my best friends are engrossed in a totally different life?

Why do I mention my oh-so-cliche relationship woes so soon after Valentines day?

Because I don't know why I keep expecting to have a Neverland life, where everything stays eternally the way I want it to right now. 

If you try to stay in Neverland, guess what happens? 

You will never experience change. 
Woohoo! 

You will never learn anything. 
Huh? 

You will never mature. 
So? 

You will never love God or others well. 
Oh...

99.99999999999% of people who try to avoid change/growing up end up being changed for the worst*

On the flipside, 99.999999999999% of people who accept change find an unexpected treasure trove of blessing. And yes, it is almost always unexpected, however long the track record of God's grace, because we are human and have constant grace amnesia.*

So in graduation, singleness, dating, friendship, job-searching, homeworking, moving . . . will you fly with me--will you help me fly--out of the pretense of Neverland to experience a Jeremiah 29:11 life that is so much greater than fears of change and growing up?

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

*statistic based on personal experience

A Talk with Time

Half-finished thoughts, partly-uttered prayers, ticking time tearing the universe into finite. I think I have spiritual ADD. As I read my Bible, the mere consideration of time leads me into thinking, there's not enough, there's never enough. What if I never learn to conquer my fears? What if I never attain, like Paul, the ability to be "content in all circumstances"? What if I miss out on something amazing? What if I'm a fraud, trying too hard to be humble, loving, and Christ-honoring and completely missing the point?

I am taking one class this J-term (Ceramics) and it has been wonderful, relaxing, and life-giving to spend time with people, read books I enjoy, play video games, and go on adventures. Yet, I see the oncoming squall of spring semester and stagger. I've had so much time to rest, yet I have never fully rested this J-term because I've been thinking of what little time I have. I need to prepare for my worship leader internship in Mexico this summer. I need to send support letters. I need to brush up on my Spanish. I need to write a script for my Narrative Filmmaking class in the spring. I need inspiration. I need creativity. I need to be closer to God. I need to spend time with people while I still have time. And then, if I don't do any of these things in a given day, I become even more anxious.

Time has consumed me. I have one more semester left at the University I have come to love. What can I possibly do to make next semester great? How can I avoid sinking into a pattern of stress and work?

So many questions. What about you, time? What do you think of my meaningless babble which undoubtedly you have heard trillions of times echoed from all corners of the world?

I, Time, have few words for you. Fewer than you would like. 
It takes time to fall in love. 
It takes time to tell a beautiful story. 
It takes the inevitable cessation of time to distinguish treasures on earth from treasures in heaven. 

Wisdom takes time. 

Everyone seems to think I, Time, take away from people's joy and comfort, but in fact, it is just the opposite. 

Everyone takes away from me. 

Don't pity me. I'm just your imagination talking, after all. 

Just think. Only one human in the history of time has mastered the art of taking from me perfectly, and He was and is also God. So don't beat yourself up about not using me well. 

Time is a gift you will not always have with you. I am here to reveal some crucial lessons, and then you will never need me again. I am the thrill of a high-stakes chase that began the day you were born. 

So just live. 

Do, Be, or Both?

Should I be blogging right now? Probably not. I have a lot of homework to do, as usual. Oh well. In the name of therapy I will write this blog post, because it will make me feel better.

I'm afraid of the constant "doing." I need space and time to be, but I'm not getting it, or I don't make time because I just want to veg. School and the workplace are task-oriented institutions. By task-saturating myself in projects, homework, papers, etc. I'm preparing myself for a task-oriented life, especially being a media major. I was reminded recently that people in media-related jobs often work long hard hours. Ten hours a day is an average day for someone working in production.

Meaningful work is what it's all about. If I'm going to be DOING so much in my life I need to learn how to BE in all the DO. Right now, I find it hard to multitask. Either I DO projects or I BE with people or with God. It's only when I do projects for someone (and that someone doesn't have to be someone else. It can be myself) that I find meaning in them. Doing projects with people is simply not enough. I don't know if this is a personality thing or a fundamental being-human thing, but I need my focus to be on restoration and reconciliation of relationships at all times or I simply do not feel like I am living. When I simply do things, with our without people, I feel like a robot cranking out results instead of a person loving God and others undoubtedly, directly, tangibly. I've got to have a mission and that mission has to be clear and relationship-building. And gosh, it is hard to simultaneously do and be as a film and video production major where the goal is to get projects accomplished to the best of your ability within the constraints that are given.

Half the time in production I am interacting with a computer screen. Fun! But fulfilling? If I am interacting with others as a Producer of a project I am in a stressed and flustered state of mind. I think it bothers me that in producing documentaries or narrative films my goal is to "get something out of"a person or actor rather than "invest in them." Maybe there's a way to do both. There's gotta be. But my flustered self is often focused on the pressure of "I gotta get this done or I'm in trouble" rather than "this is really about you, not about the project." I'm not in my element here. Tasks do that to you. They make you motivated by fear. I HATE FEAR.

This might be the most confusing post I have ever typed. I'm really not sure where I am going with this, but God brought this passage (2 Corinthians 5) to mind so perhaps it is a fit way to end:

¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!  18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

The Lies of Legacy

What will people say of you when you are gone? Will they have been encouraged by the way you lived your life? Did you inspire change or initiate action? Will people look back on the span of your years and say, "That girl/guy knew what it was to live well. He/she had a heart full of compassion and was always pointing me lovingly to Christ."

Surely we have all heard sermons or messages before about the brevity of life and how important it is to leave a legacy of love behind you. We're encouraged to think about what others will say of us when we are dead and to let that motivate us to live right in the ruckus of daily toil, in this one chance we have on this fading, blinking blue dot called earth.

You know what these kind of sermons make me feel like? Freakin' awful. I suck. As I think over all the unloving words and thoughts I have perpetuated today I feel like I'm not making any steps towards sanctification, towards becoming more like Christ in the way I love. I feel stagnant. Is God really holding the reigns?

Anyway, how is being motivated by what others will say of you after death any different than being spurred on by what others will think or say of you now? To me, it all looks the same. It smells like melting gold and prideful thoughts. It feels like breaking your teeth on a stone instead of biting into a slice of warm bread. 

It looks like projecting an image of your ideal self instead of loving yourself just the way Jesus already loves you.

We see the sanctification process as works-based decontamination instead of Holy Spirit-driven restoration.

While it sounds really nice for beautiful things to be said about me at my death, should I even care? Further, why do I desire super-Christian status? Let's break it down. In the Bible, a person can get a chapter starring them, others a verse, and some an entire book, but have you noticed what God chooses to reveal about people who are His children? Most of the time, it is not a biography flowing with milk and honey, with heartwarming compliments and life's spiritual successes. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

God most often highlights our failures to trust Him, our guilt, our selfish, idol-loving behavior and ultimate hopelessness.

For a few examples, check out Samson the Arrogant, Moses the Terrified, Paul the Murderer, Thomas the Doubter, or David the Adulterer-King.

Why does God do this to us? Why doesn't he highlight our heroic actions of faith? Why does He display our most embarrassing qualities to a watching world and expect us to be encouraged? Because His glory lies in our weakness. I don't mean that in the sense that God is some evil giant troll that taunts our smallness and enjoys stepping on us to show his omnipotence. God is not a bully.

Rather, He desires to show us what He can do through the most stubborn and godless of hearts. In our weakness He is made strong. And those parts in our lives where we feel like there's no hope for us, the broken parts, the festering bitter wounds . . . this, God declares, is where God will make all things new. For what unimaginably awesome newness is there to be made of the parts of your life that you've already "got all together"?

Spoiler alert: this story, my life, the accumulation of all of our lives on this earth from the beginning of time into eternity . . .  is about God, not about us. Sorry if you're disappointed. That's the way it is, and more and more, I have come to realize that I wouldn't want it any other way.

So if this story, my story, is about God, I want to boast in my weaknesses (which are many,) because there, miraculously, God gives grace, healing, and power. He shows us our hopelessness to give us hope--because without God we wander like sheep without a shepherd but with God even our demoralizing foolishness is not meaningless because God will work everything out for our good and His glory.

Well, ya know what, if that's the way God works, I want in on it.

So, in case you were thinking of writing a biography about me, I ask only one thing. Don't leave the ugly parts out. Highlight the ugly parts, because it is there that God reveals Himself most clearly.

The Worst Apologist

I had a conversation about faith with a former-youth-pastor-turned-agnostic friend today. I brought it up over eating tacos.  Our conversation was on the tipping point of reaching that controversial subject and I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he believed. 

Turns out, I am the worst apologist in the world. Now, I already knew I'm not the best at verbal communication, but you see, I appealed to a Higher Power. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak through me and here I was expecting to be Moses leading this person out of slavery, or, put less dramatically, at least get him thinking in the right direction. I listened to his own journey and responded with a few points of what I believe. I realized afterwards that some things I said were not quite accurate or didn't come out the way I wanted. What happened to the Holy Spirit giving me the words to say? 

As he talked, I felt my mind lingering on the objections to Christianity that he had and how in the world I would answer them. I had heard many of these objections before and at one point had known how to "give an answer to what I believe" but gosh darn it, I couldn't seem to think straight at all! Maybe it was the chorizo taco, but I felt myself frustrated by having nothing to say but, "Yeah, that makes sense" and "Thank you for sharing." Maybe it's a good start, I thought. I'll be able to come back to those questions he has later, and let him know my own opinion.

How incredibly hard for my prideful mind to be okay with saying "yeah, that makes sense" instead of "well, this is what I think" or "I'll get back to you on that" to statements Christians are uncomfortable with.

I learned today, however much I hate not being able to respond the way I thought I should, that Christians (and humans in general) have a little-appreciated asset to consider in interactions with others. I know that I need to practice it more often, though every fiber of me may object: 

Humility--not the fake, sugar-coated kind, but the true submission of one's fundamental beliefs, rights, and desires and consideration of the beliefs, rights, and desires of another 

The Comfortable Lie

It's quite disarming when my ideas about who God is begin to change. Though God is constant, my imperfections obstruct a clear view of my Savior. Instead of coming to the Scripture with a certain set of long-standing beliefs and translating God's Word based on that, I need to come to God's Word and let it dictate --even re-direct-- my beliefs and actions. 

Instead of translating Scripture with my preconceived, "security blanket" beliefs, I need to allow Scripture to translate me. 


In my experience, I have encountered two kinds of lies, and they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. First are lies based on insecurity. These are the lies that make you hesitant and fearful, the sort that whisper how ugly, unloved, talentless, uninteresting, or unforgivable you are. Second are comfortable lies. These lies are harder to pick up on, because you desperately want to continue believing a lie because it is what you have always believed and this belief has provided you with comfort at some point in your life. Comfortable lies are not obvious. In fact, they take a lot of digging, vulnerability, and questioning to even begin to decipher.

So I welcome you on this journey of deciphering what may be a comfortable lie I have believed all my life. Naturally, I suppose, because the topic is one I always wrestle with, it has to do with God and suffering. 

I've always believed that God has a hand in suffering, meaning that He permits it because we live in a fallen world and He knows He can and will work it all out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28.) I'll call this the reactionary view of God and suffering [[ silly me trying to create my own theological terms ;) ]] God knows what will happen, He permits it, and He reacts in light of the situation to bring about good. 

That sounds pretty good to me, even now. But in light of some sermons I have heard recently, my reactionary view is uncomfortably leaning towards more of a proactive view. By proactive I mean that God doesn't just have a hand in suffering. 

God proactively leads us into hard times for His glory and our present and future good. 

At first, to me, it seems paradoxical and offensive to our Almighty Savior to think He leads us to places of wilderness. But its becoming more obvious to me in reading the Bible that this is often how He acts, and it is said quite clearly. I think I have the potential to get way off-track when I reach a conclusion like this. I start skewing such a statement . . . believing either:

a) God leads us into hard times exclusively for His glory with no regard to us (which gives no personal purpose to pain)

b) God leads us into hard times for our bad (which is a hopelessly vindictive belief)

c) God leads us into hard times for His glory and our heavenly good (which gives no joy for the present)

To think that God, throughout my life has and will BRING suffering TO me . . . it doesn't sit well. But perhaps that's why we are given the testimonies of so many others in the Bible and in our own interactions with people, of incredible blessing and grace in the midst of trial.

Today at church, we talked about Exodus 16. This is the point where God has brought the Israelites out of slavery and into . . . well . . . a literal wilderness. The Israelites are confused and are listening to lies from Satan that tell them it would have been better to have stayed in Egypt than to waste away in the desert.

 In the midst of His people's grumbling, God, who could easily have got fed up with the Israelites' lack of faith, performed a remarkable act of grace. He does NOT guide them out of the wilderness, instead choosing to lead them wandering around the desert for 40 years. It must have been hard in many ways, but for 40 years God graciously rained down bread for the Israelites to eat. It was an instructive time to teach the Israelites how to be truly free. The pastor pointed out that God didn't bring them into the wilderness to create their own ability to sustain, instead HE provides/rains down grace on us. 

Here I have provided a few Bible passages with emphasis where it seems as if God is proactive instead of reactive in regards to suffering. 

Deuteronomy 8:2-5 (The Voice)

² Remember how the Eternal, your True God, led you through the wilderness these past 40 years. He did this to humble you, to test you, to uncover your motivations, to see if you would obey His commands.³ He humbled you by making you hungry when there was no food in the desert. Then He fed you with manna, a food you and your ancestors had never heard of. He did this because He wanted you to understand that what makes you truly alive is not the bread you eat but following every word that comes from the mouth of the Eternal One.^[a] 4 Your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t swell throughout your 40 years of wandering. ⁵ I want you to know in your hearts that the Eternal your God has been training you just as a parent trains a child.

Genesis 50:19 (NIV)

¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 

Esther 4:13-14 (NIV)

¹³ he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. ¹⁴ For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” 

Job 1:21

²¹ and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[a]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

    may the name of the Lord be praised.” 

Matthew 4:1-4

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted^[a] by the devil. ² After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. ³ The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

⁴ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’^[b]”

And to what end did these remarkable warriors of God suffer? 

• Joseph to second-in-command of Egypt, able to save thousands from starvation and reconciling family to each other and to God
• Moses and the Israelites to experiencing God's grace over and over and over when they should have received judgment for their idolatrous ways
• Esther to saving her people from massacre
• Job to receive innumerable blessings 
• Jesus to be glorified at the Father's right hand

Hebrews 12:4-14 (The Message)

^4-11 In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? 

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,    but don’t be crushed by it either.It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;    the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. 

^12-13 So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

This is suffering born not out of punishment, nor out of idleness. Here is suffering as instruction that serves a greater purpose. 

Admittedly, I could be very wrong! I may be interpreting Scripture incorrectly. In this case, please feel free to continue a conversation in the comments below, because I would love to hear your input. My hope is that this post will encourage you to further reflection, prayer, and exploration of God's Word. :) I'm still exploring and trying to figure this out myself!