100% Jesus Guarantee

Preface: I am not at all speaking to cultural Christians in this post. By cultural Christians I mean people who go to church every Sunday because they feel it is their duty and that's the way they always have. Cultural Christians are fine with the status quo.

Some definitions:
Big C Church = Christ-followers everywhere
Little c church = community of Christ-followers regularly meeting together

Go and make church-goers of all nations.
Go and help others of all nations.

Somehow, the Body of Christ has got stuck in the middle of these two quasi-biblical sentiments. The older generation bemoans the lack of drawing others inside the church. We young folk cry out that everyone is missing the point: that above all else the church is called to minister to others as Jesus did.

The disunity is more than fingernails across a chalkboard. It's splitting us apart, forming the Great Wall of China between generations that, if they joined together, would become an unstoppable force of love. My heart aches from the fact that Satan is using our own team against us. It's like we're tackling each other on the football field instead of the opposing team.

Now let me make this clear. I am part of the problem. I am one of those people paradoxically throwing a love tantrum, begging churches to focus outward and upward instead of inward. I am all about service-oriented action and all against growing mold on ourselves sitting in our pews every Sunday if it's not spurring us on to Christ-like love for the rest of the week. Am I being too harsh? Probably. And yet, it's how I feel.

No wonder so many of us give up on the "little c" church! No one likes to be immersed in an environment of bitter preferences and my-way-or-the-highway attitudes. It makes me sick, and it makes me more sick that I don't know how to deal with my own convictions about the mission of little c churches.

Yet let me tell you why I still go to little c church.

I still believe that the Church can have the furthest-reaching and deepest-rooted impact in our world. Why? Well, Jesus said so, and I consider Him to be a pretty valid source of wisdom. Let's unpack a few verses where Jesus confirms the mission of the little c church.

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." - Matthew 28:14

Go and make "followers of Jesus" of everyone you know. Now listen, conflicting generations. . . followers of Jesus will probably go to church. Followers of Jesus will also want to help people.

So what's the first step to make disciples? Bringing people to church or helping people?

Neither! Not even both!

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:35

Loving one another. This is in the context of Christ-follower to Christ-follower relationships. People see, even scrutinize, little c church behavior. In fact, it's become quite the hobby in gossip circles worldwide. Are we different from the rest of the world, from the hypocritical Christians at all? Are we even any good at loving each other when we all are in one place for a party about Jesus (aka Sunday mornings,) the One we claims unifies our disparate personalities and preferences?

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." - Hebrews 10:24-25

Church these days seems more like a social gathering than a preparation for war. I don't think Jesus really cared how a body of believers looked. Whether they wore pink robes or sang contemporary worship or had communion every week. John the Baptist probably looked like a psychopath covered in camel hair chomping on locusts, so people sure weren't drawn to him by his appearance! But you know what He was doing? He was making disciples of all nations. He was telling people the story of redemption, the greatest and true-est love story of all.

God looks at the heart. Church, we've lost our purpose.

You know what the natural result of loving one another well looks like? It looks like an outpouring, a fountain, a cracked and spilling out levee of love that can't be held back.  It's going and making followers of Christ wherever we go because though appearance may make the headlines, in secret, people are drawn to the heart. The result? Church-going Jesus seekers? Sure. Advocates of Jesus love? Sure.

But the result is more and better than we could ever imagine.

So this is a plea to keep going to little c church. The messed-up priorities can end with you. Go and make disciples of all nations. It starts with loving whoever is right in front of you. And I don't mean love them like a warm fuzzy bear hugging and chatting with them every week, coffee in hand. I guarantee people in your church are hurting. So love them even if it hurts you. Even if it takes away your time, your money, your pride, your comfort. Love is not convenient. Love is sacrificial. Love is radical. The body of believers in your little c church is an extension of your family. If you're concerned with the oft-mentioned "Great Commission" of Jesus, love your church family well and people will start to notice.

That's a 100% Jesus guarantee.

Graduation

[[All my latest posts have been about change. Sorry about that. What can I say, it's been on my mind a lot lately! ]]

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” - Frederick Beuchner

Perhaps it is finally time to talk about that both dreaded and anticipated word: graduation. I am resistant to change, but I've been through it enough times now to know my God will work out everything for my good, even (dare I say) for the better. Every time I have walked through major change, I have come out on the other side with more, not less. More hope, more joy, more deep relationships, more ability to persevere, more trust in an empathetic Father who will carry me through suffering. And what good I look forward to even now as I literally dream about my summer serving with Back2Back!

My history of transition moments or points of change have been rocky, to put it lightly. I go through stages of anxiety, panic, and depression. Today I worry if I will "be the best me" for everyone these last couple weeks at school. What if I'm not funny enough? What if I graduate visibly depressed instead of focusing on the positive I know is there the way that I want to? What if I don't love well? What if I lose my temper? What if I say the wrong things? Do the wrong things?

I have grown much through my years at Taylor, but clearly my insecurities remain.

Today in Senior Capstone class, a speaker talked to us about how we each have a divine assignment. We went through a bunch of activities and figured out a two-word mission statement for each of us. I was grateful for the way the speaker explained our divine assignments. If you know what you are here for, you have a reason to get up in the morning. In the middle of crazy transitions, your divine assignment can direct you in a way that friends, family, or anywhere else you place your identity cannot.

As a Christian, the core of my identity is that I am a child of God, but I also have a specific purpose that I am uniquely equipped to carry out. It is ingrained inside of me and permeates, motivates everything I do.

I spend my life trying to hold onto so many idols, but I couldn't get away from this divine assignment even if I tried.

According to the two hours I spent doing the activities and meditating on the result, my divine assignment is to initiate compassion. Maybe it's not spot on, but I think that fits me pretty well. This "initiating compassion" is the place where my  deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. And indeed, in much of what I do I love starting, igniting, initiating a movement, an encouragement, a pay-it-forward domino effect of loving people who are hurting. Not necessarily in huge ways, but in the little day-to-day interactions.

The best part is, I can initiate compassion anywhere with anyone. It doesn't have to be at Taylor.

The change will hit me like a train wreck. Maybe it will be in stages (tears have already made a couple appearances.) Maybe it will be on graduation day. Maybe it will be after I come back from Mexico and realize I'm not going back to school in the fall. Taylor University has given me a small taste of heaven. Imperfect and broken and messed up as these people are, there is truly something special here caused by our shared life together in Christ.

I will miss Taylor University.

But there is more good to come. More ways I haven't even begun to imagine of how to initiate compassion to a world in need. Ways that God has wanted me to accomplish initiating compassion in His name since the beginning of time. Ways that I would never, ever experience if I were to stay at Taylor. And that's what I will hold onto, walking out into the "farthest away from home I've ever been."

Singleness and Neverland

Peter Pan: Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again. 

Wendy: Never is an awfully long time. 

A short time ago in a galaxy very very close . . . I thought I was destined for singleness. My reasoning? Well, considering I have never dated before, I am perhaps a little more cynical than some:

1. I don't understand dating relationships.
2. I don't want to understand dating relationships.
3. I can't understand dating relationships.
4. I love my friends. Isn't that enough?
5. Married people love their spouse more than their friends.
6. I don't ever want to get married because I want to love my friends as much as I do now.

Do you see the absurd, faulty logic in the above sequence?
Yes, so do I. Nevertheless, there you have it.

Behind that illogical facade is the truth: I'm scared of being in a relationship and I'm afraid of being single. Let's face it, I'm afraid of growing up. Lately, a different fear haunts me: I equate my intense fear of loneliness with singleness thereby burning myself on a fresh batch of golden brown lies. If all of my friends get married, where does that leave me? How will I find joy in singleness when my best friends are engrossed in a totally different life?

Why do I mention my oh-so-cliche relationship woes so soon after Valentines day?

Because I don't know why I keep expecting to have a Neverland life, where everything stays eternally the way I want it to right now. 

If you try to stay in Neverland, guess what happens? 

You will never experience change. 
Woohoo! 

You will never learn anything. 
Huh? 

You will never mature. 
So? 

You will never love God or others well. 
Oh...

99.99999999999% of people who try to avoid change/growing up end up being changed for the worst*

On the flipside, 99.999999999999% of people who accept change find an unexpected treasure trove of blessing. And yes, it is almost always unexpected, however long the track record of God's grace, because we are human and have constant grace amnesia.*

So in graduation, singleness, dating, friendship, job-searching, homeworking, moving . . . will you fly with me--will you help me fly--out of the pretense of Neverland to experience a Jeremiah 29:11 life that is so much greater than fears of change and growing up?

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

*statistic based on personal experience

A Talk with Time

Half-finished thoughts, partly-uttered prayers, ticking time tearing the universe into finite. I think I have spiritual ADD. As I read my Bible, the mere consideration of time leads me into thinking, there's not enough, there's never enough. What if I never learn to conquer my fears? What if I never attain, like Paul, the ability to be "content in all circumstances"? What if I miss out on something amazing? What if I'm a fraud, trying too hard to be humble, loving, and Christ-honoring and completely missing the point?

I am taking one class this J-term (Ceramics) and it has been wonderful, relaxing, and life-giving to spend time with people, read books I enjoy, play video games, and go on adventures. Yet, I see the oncoming squall of spring semester and stagger. I've had so much time to rest, yet I have never fully rested this J-term because I've been thinking of what little time I have. I need to prepare for my worship leader internship in Mexico this summer. I need to send support letters. I need to brush up on my Spanish. I need to write a script for my Narrative Filmmaking class in the spring. I need inspiration. I need creativity. I need to be closer to God. I need to spend time with people while I still have time. And then, if I don't do any of these things in a given day, I become even more anxious.

Time has consumed me. I have one more semester left at the University I have come to love. What can I possibly do to make next semester great? How can I avoid sinking into a pattern of stress and work?

So many questions. What about you, time? What do you think of my meaningless babble which undoubtedly you have heard trillions of times echoed from all corners of the world?

I, Time, have few words for you. Fewer than you would like. 
It takes time to fall in love. 
It takes time to tell a beautiful story. 
It takes the inevitable cessation of time to distinguish treasures on earth from treasures in heaven. 

Wisdom takes time. 

Everyone seems to think I, Time, take away from people's joy and comfort, but in fact, it is just the opposite. 

Everyone takes away from me. 

Don't pity me. I'm just your imagination talking, after all. 

Just think. Only one human in the history of time has mastered the art of taking from me perfectly, and He was and is also God. So don't beat yourself up about not using me well. 

Time is a gift you will not always have with you. I am here to reveal some crucial lessons, and then you will never need me again. I am the thrill of a high-stakes chase that began the day you were born. 

So just live. 

Do, Be, or Both?

Should I be blogging right now? Probably not. I have a lot of homework to do, as usual. Oh well. In the name of therapy I will write this blog post, because it will make me feel better.

I'm afraid of the constant "doing." I need space and time to be, but I'm not getting it, or I don't make time because I just want to veg. School and the workplace are task-oriented institutions. By task-saturating myself in projects, homework, papers, etc. I'm preparing myself for a task-oriented life, especially being a media major. I was reminded recently that people in media-related jobs often work long hard hours. Ten hours a day is an average day for someone working in production.

Meaningful work is what it's all about. If I'm going to be DOING so much in my life I need to learn how to BE in all the DO. Right now, I find it hard to multitask. Either I DO projects or I BE with people or with God. It's only when I do projects for someone (and that someone doesn't have to be someone else. It can be myself) that I find meaning in them. Doing projects with people is simply not enough. I don't know if this is a personality thing or a fundamental being-human thing, but I need my focus to be on restoration and reconciliation of relationships at all times or I simply do not feel like I am living. When I simply do things, with our without people, I feel like a robot cranking out results instead of a person loving God and others undoubtedly, directly, tangibly. I've got to have a mission and that mission has to be clear and relationship-building. And gosh, it is hard to simultaneously do and be as a film and video production major where the goal is to get projects accomplished to the best of your ability within the constraints that are given.

Half the time in production I am interacting with a computer screen. Fun! But fulfilling? If I am interacting with others as a Producer of a project I am in a stressed and flustered state of mind. I think it bothers me that in producing documentaries or narrative films my goal is to "get something out of"a person or actor rather than "invest in them." Maybe there's a way to do both. There's gotta be. But my flustered self is often focused on the pressure of "I gotta get this done or I'm in trouble" rather than "this is really about you, not about the project." I'm not in my element here. Tasks do that to you. They make you motivated by fear. I HATE FEAR.

This might be the most confusing post I have ever typed. I'm really not sure where I am going with this, but God brought this passage (2 Corinthians 5) to mind so perhaps it is a fit way to end:

¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!  18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

The Lies of Legacy

What will people say of you when you are gone? Will they have been encouraged by the way you lived your life? Did you inspire change or initiate action? Will people look back on the span of your years and say, "That girl/guy knew what it was to live well. He/she had a heart full of compassion and was always pointing me lovingly to Christ."

Surely we have all heard sermons or messages before about the brevity of life and how important it is to leave a legacy of love behind you. We're encouraged to think about what others will say of us when we are dead and to let that motivate us to live right in the ruckus of daily toil, in this one chance we have on this fading, blinking blue dot called earth.

You know what these kind of sermons make me feel like? Freakin' awful. I suck. As I think over all the unloving words and thoughts I have perpetuated today I feel like I'm not making any steps towards sanctification, towards becoming more like Christ in the way I love. I feel stagnant. Is God really holding the reigns?

Anyway, how is being motivated by what others will say of you after death any different than being spurred on by what others will think or say of you now? To me, it all looks the same. It smells like melting gold and prideful thoughts. It feels like breaking your teeth on a stone instead of biting into a slice of warm bread. 

It looks like projecting an image of your ideal self instead of loving yourself just the way Jesus already loves you.

We see the sanctification process as works-based decontamination instead of Holy Spirit-driven restoration.

While it sounds really nice for beautiful things to be said about me at my death, should I even care? Further, why do I desire super-Christian status? Let's break it down. In the Bible, a person can get a chapter starring them, others a verse, and some an entire book, but have you noticed what God chooses to reveal about people who are His children? Most of the time, it is not a biography flowing with milk and honey, with heartwarming compliments and life's spiritual successes. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

God most often highlights our failures to trust Him, our guilt, our selfish, idol-loving behavior and ultimate hopelessness.

For a few examples, check out Samson the Arrogant, Moses the Terrified, Paul the Murderer, Thomas the Doubter, or David the Adulterer-King.

Why does God do this to us? Why doesn't he highlight our heroic actions of faith? Why does He display our most embarrassing qualities to a watching world and expect us to be encouraged? Because His glory lies in our weakness. I don't mean that in the sense that God is some evil giant troll that taunts our smallness and enjoys stepping on us to show his omnipotence. God is not a bully.

Rather, He desires to show us what He can do through the most stubborn and godless of hearts. In our weakness He is made strong. And those parts in our lives where we feel like there's no hope for us, the broken parts, the festering bitter wounds . . . this, God declares, is where God will make all things new. For what unimaginably awesome newness is there to be made of the parts of your life that you've already "got all together"?

Spoiler alert: this story, my life, the accumulation of all of our lives on this earth from the beginning of time into eternity . . .  is about God, not about us. Sorry if you're disappointed. That's the way it is, and more and more, I have come to realize that I wouldn't want it any other way.

So if this story, my story, is about God, I want to boast in my weaknesses (which are many,) because there, miraculously, God gives grace, healing, and power. He shows us our hopelessness to give us hope--because without God we wander like sheep without a shepherd but with God even our demoralizing foolishness is not meaningless because God will work everything out for our good and His glory.

Well, ya know what, if that's the way God works, I want in on it.

So, in case you were thinking of writing a biography about me, I ask only one thing. Don't leave the ugly parts out. Highlight the ugly parts, because it is there that God reveals Himself most clearly.

The Worst Apologist

I had a conversation about faith with a former-youth-pastor-turned-agnostic friend today. I brought it up over eating tacos.  Our conversation was on the tipping point of reaching that controversial subject and I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he believed. 

Turns out, I am the worst apologist in the world. Now, I already knew I'm not the best at verbal communication, but you see, I appealed to a Higher Power. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak through me and here I was expecting to be Moses leading this person out of slavery, or, put less dramatically, at least get him thinking in the right direction. I listened to his own journey and responded with a few points of what I believe. I realized afterwards that some things I said were not quite accurate or didn't come out the way I wanted. What happened to the Holy Spirit giving me the words to say? 

As he talked, I felt my mind lingering on the objections to Christianity that he had and how in the world I would answer them. I had heard many of these objections before and at one point had known how to "give an answer to what I believe" but gosh darn it, I couldn't seem to think straight at all! Maybe it was the chorizo taco, but I felt myself frustrated by having nothing to say but, "Yeah, that makes sense" and "Thank you for sharing." Maybe it's a good start, I thought. I'll be able to come back to those questions he has later, and let him know my own opinion.

How incredibly hard for my prideful mind to be okay with saying "yeah, that makes sense" instead of "well, this is what I think" or "I'll get back to you on that" to statements Christians are uncomfortable with.

I learned today, however much I hate not being able to respond the way I thought I should, that Christians (and humans in general) have a little-appreciated asset to consider in interactions with others. I know that I need to practice it more often, though every fiber of me may object: 

Humility--not the fake, sugar-coated kind, but the true submission of one's fundamental beliefs, rights, and desires and consideration of the beliefs, rights, and desires of another